have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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