dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize