And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
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I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
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I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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