The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
