I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
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It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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