he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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