The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
