I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
