I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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