She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
