So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!