hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?