You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.