My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
