...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
