Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you