Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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