Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
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Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.