I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
