I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
is it fun? or sober?
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