When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We smell like vodka and hangover
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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