If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
