I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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