I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
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I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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