I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
