I will die if light touches me.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
