She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
