: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize