you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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