We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
