I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
