all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
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Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
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Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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