Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Boobs are out for the taking
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
