Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
