God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
