Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
