Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
