it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
