Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
