I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Randomize