and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
