my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
