She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and she was petting her beer can
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
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You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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