I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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