I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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