You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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