"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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