I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
