kristin has been a bad kristin
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize