he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
