My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Say something about gay babies.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
