apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
