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One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
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