U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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