My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
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i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i came on her dog
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
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I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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