Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
