I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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