This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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