sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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